Thoughts and pain

 Let's get personal here. This morning, I had the uttermost pleasure of being woken up by birds gleefully gossiping next to my window. I felt grateful to be alive, happy that I did not quit a while ago.

Death gave me a purpose. When I asked to be taken, a gift was given to me. A purpose was bestowed upon me. The truth is that in the darkest and most terrible hours of my incarnation, when I was at rock bottom, I found myself. Being trapped with my own chains and my own shadows forced me to embrace my truth. A truth that was not always pleasant and heavily repressed for quite some time now. The whole experience was excruciating yet liberating. 

Yesterday, whilst lost in thoughts, a realisation struck me. I did not need all that healing but rather a remembering. I became what I was told is forbidden. Yet I feel whole and fulfilled. I asked myself if my personality was not an act of rebellion towards the system that raised me. But now I know I am the "I Am" I was meant to be. I was simply mislead in my earlier years. 

This is why I put so much emphasis on trusting your inner compass. From the subjects I choosed at school to the person I partnered with, the recommendations were wrong and lethally misleading. What I wanted was called wrong or unproductive. Yet now that I see that they are quite the opposite. I became what people I grew up with fear and despise, yet I could not be happier and more at peace. Seems like you can not win every battle. At least I am no more in battle with myself. My mind feels peaceful and less noisy.

I also realised and recognised a pattern in my life in relationship to people I shared a path with. They never really knew me. Did they care to make the effort? Did I really know them myself? Am I an enigma? Most people prefer projection than actually getting acquainted. In a world of appearances and manipulation, believe me that is a scary realisation to have. Feeling unheard and unseen causes pain and retreats one into either isolation or defensiveness. Or both in most cases. 

So, bravest reader, do you dare to follow your inner compass?

Dissentiently yours, 

Joële Hubert.



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