Healing
Writing is my therapy. It is my anchor when the world calls me crazy. Writing is my favorite tool for healing.
My spirit team reminded me quite recently that before regulating an emotion, I should witness it. Then name it and try to regulate it. They were adamant about it.
Let's cover the topic of nervous system regulation and emotions. For all my hypersensitives out there, our nervous system feels bare and raw all the time. Regulation is quite a challenge. I hope my experience resonates with some of you so you no longer feel alone.
Growing up in a conflictual environment where you are constantly gaslight to believe that you were the problem can add fucking puss to the wound. When you show any symptom of dysregulation, prepare for the whooping of the century. When you talk about it out loud it is either "you don't have enough faith in god" or "you are faking it".
Enmeshment is also an issue to consider. Your emotions are yours to deal with even as a kid. The distinction between what is dumped on you and what is truly yours is blurry. It is rather profoundly confusing. Without any guide or support, you have to figure it out by yourself, adding to it your lack of emotional maturity as a kid. Still you have to help regulate grown people's emotions. Fucking bullshit.
The worst is that I still feel hurt and unsafe. Yet I am scared and deeply uneasy to voice out my concerns because of the guilt tripping and also not to hurt others. "We had it worst than you" whilst I am figuratively and literally bleeding my soul in front of them. "You are ungrateful", whilst I put my whole future on the line. "I am the worst according to you", while I am not asking for anything but basic peace and safety.
To this day, I still find myself constantly on the edge. Always anticipating possible issues in my life. I live with a constant sense of urgency, for no real reason. Whenever the phone rings, I tremble. Whenever I hear footsteps or noise in the kitchen, i feel uneasy and guilty. I feel guilty for existing or even resting. Even when things go right, everything feels wrong to me. I feel so burdened by responsibilities that at times I can not think straight, breath properly or mostly sleep.
Healing starts with you today.
JH