Defensiveness

 Defensiveness is a key part of my character. Most people describe me as closed off. The reason being that mostly every time I have dared to open up, my heart,it did not end well, with zero accountability on other's part.

Sometimes I feel like a monster, I am deeply afraid of hurting others the way I have been hurt. I feel too deeply, I see too clearly. When I hit, I know it can be lethal, figuratively speaking. I show no pity at war. War and love are the same. You love as you fight. You fight as you love. I love passionately, I fight mercilessly.

My anger can be terrifying for anyone encountering her. She knows no mercy. She blows hits as deep as she feels. My anger is my best friend since childhood. She even has a name for me. She protects me and understands me.

Those who caused my pain, distrust and fury were the one labelling me as "unstable". They could not manipulate me or bend me to their will. They never took accountability. They seeked comfort in the role of the perpetual victim. How can a child needing help, being defenseless be a torturer? You ask ? I am asking too? Yet, so many believed this version of the "truth". 

Part of my journey has been trusting my light. I became too comfortable with my own darkness and shadows that I came to forget how beautiful my light is. I am capable of love, for others but mostly for myself. Day by day my heart feels lighter and my light shines brighter. Healing looks so good on me and the same applies to you. Stay blessed.

From one angry child to another.

JH

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